Begin Where You Are.

Alternative Title:  Jealousy (Part 1)

Disclaimer:  Do not let the alternative title fool you into believing that there is a guarantee of Part 2.

I’m sure you’ve all heard the advice to begin where you are.  It sounds simple, but for an over-achieving perfectionist like me, it’s really hard to do.  I like to begin things at the expert level and not get bogged down by details like practicing or training or working at something.  It takes a great deal of mental strength for me to push through the beginnings of things.  It’s all very frustrating.

Pardon the beating of a dead horse for a moment, but I’m not happy with my weight or the shape I’m in physically.  This is not new to anyone (unless it’s your first time here, in which case, hi, I’m fat.).  I’ve been complaining about wanting to get in better shape for a long time now.  The problem, of course, is that complaining alone does not burn sufficient calories to lose 40-ish pounds.  If complaining burned calories, I assure you I’d disappear.

Now that I’m working from home primarily, I’ve been trying to get out and walk or run at lunch time. I’m having trouble with consistency, the weather, other obligations, etc.  Some of it is excuse making, some of it is legitimate.  For example, today I spent my lunchtime and then some renewing my driver’s license.  Tomorrow, it’s supposed to be very hot and I’m trying to psych myself up to not weasel out of my scheduled run/walk.

So what does any of this have to do with the title of this post or the alternative title?

I follow a lot of bloggers and people on Twitter who are really into fitness, eating well and living a healthy lifestyle.  The point of following them (in addition to some really great writing that some of them also do), is to serve as inspiration to continue to work towards the goals I’ve set for myself.

But a few weeks ago, or maybe it was months, who knows, something changed.  I was smack in the middle of a funk (or what a qualified therapist might have even called a depression) and everyone’s successes were starting to get to me.  People running half and full marathons, people eating well, working out and just being who I want to be.

I want to be someone who exercises regularly.  I want to go to the track tomorrow and run 3 miles in less than 40 minutes, instead of jiggling and stumbling through Week 2 Day 1 of Couch to 5k where most of what I’m doing is walking.  I want to maintain a healthy weight, not try to reduce my weight in fits and starts.

I’m jealous.  I’m jealous of the skinny women, the athletic women, the women with resolve and determination and the ability to accomplish something.  I’m tired of just wanting things.

I am aware my jealousy is ridiculous because none of them, not one single one of the women whose healthy habits I admire got where they are by waking up one day and having it just happen.  All of them train and work towards their goals. They don’t sit around and whine and cry about it, which is all I have been doing.

As I was running (and walking) yesterday at the track, I was thinking about beginning where I am.  I’m not where they are.  I have a long way to go before I’m where they are.  But I won’t get there unless I begin where I am.  I have no choice but to start at the beginning, one day at a time, trying my best.

I just turned 37.  I have a goal to run a half marathon before I turn 40.  It’s a doable goal, but only if I start right now, right where I am, and not look to the achievements of others as an indication of my failure.

Tomorrow’s a new day.  Tomorrow I will just be where I am.

(PS – If you’re wondering what the Part 2 bit is about, there’s another thing that’s been eating at me lately.  Writing this post was pretty cathartic, maybe writing about the other thing will be, too.  But not today.  One session of pouring my heart out is quite enough for today.)

12 Responses to “Begin Where You Are.”

  1. Vanessa D says:

    It is frustrating to start a program of healthy eating and exercise and have to wait for it’s rewards.

    Think of it like your writing – you did not start where you are now – you got here one post at a time.

    • I’m so not a good things come to those who wait kind of girl. Can’t I just have it come right away and then promise to take care of it?

      That’s a good point about the writing (which happens to be my other source of angst lately as alluded to in the post). It’s true though, that didn’t happen overnight and I have put much effort into it.

  2. Peach says:

    I can’t speak for everyone, but will say that there has been PLENTY of whining and crying from me about maintaining this lifestyle that you WILL eventually have. Did you see my IG pic the other day of my snarky face after a run? :) Not enough room here to say everything, so more coming at ya via email. Hugs at you. xo

    • I did see that picture and your caption that it only matters that you got out there. I pushed away the thoughts that your bad run was probably still better than my good run that same day and instead focused on the getting out there part. Looking forward to your email. Thank you for always having my back :)

  3. It is so, so hard to start, this I completely understand. I tried (and failed) to be a runner on and off for almost nine years before it finally happened. And there is still lots of whining and bitching when a run is bad, or when my alarm goes off at 6am. You will definitely get there, you just have to take it (literally) one step at a time. I’m rooting for you!

  4. I so feel you on all of this. I have had the C25K app on my phone since December… haven’t done a thing about it. It was cold, raining, I was busy, I was tired, I had health issues… I miss the me who had a workout routine 10 years ago. For what it’s worth, I think you’re doing really great. I often think, “Why can’t I be one of those people who just loves this?” But… we can be… it just takes SO MUCH TIME. But you’ll get there.

    • I enjoy it when I’m out there getting it done, but I loathe it when the lack of routine is fighting me back. The status quo never likes to give up its position. I like the app b/c it tells me when to start running again and when I can stop and I don’t like to disappoint people (or apps who have no idea what I’m actually doing) so it works for me. When I’m out without it, I tend to just walk or push too hard starting out so that I nearly die on the way home. Also, since I discovered that I love the track so much, this week was much better. The hills in my neighborhood are killing me. I’m sure you’ll get there too when you’re ready. Thanks for the comment!!

  5. Erica M says:

    I would need a personal trainer to come yell at me every morning until I shot him dead.

  6. I feel like this about writing a book. Jealousy. Despair. Loneliness. Rage. Love your process

    • I’ll let you in on a little secret, the other thing that’s been stressing me out is the book. You know, the book that won’t write itself any more than my fat that won’t leave my body on its own. My weight loss and book writing are so intertwined in my warped little brain. Two things so important to me and yet they make me feel like shit about myself so often. Sigh…

leave a comment

%d bloggers like this: