I call this picture “If you don’t laugh, you’ll cry.” It was taken on May 15, in between my two medical calamities this year. I can’t remember what was so funny. Either I said something very inappropriate or someone else did. Regardless, it was good to be laughing.
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I was going to beat myself up over taking more than a month to post a new blog, but it’s better than letting 3+ years go by, so I’m going to call this a win. Also? I’m tired of beating myself up. Anyway, let’s get to the point. The question of what I want to do with my life keeps coming up. If I’m not happy doing what I’m presently doing, then what is it that want to do? What will make me happy?
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I haven’t regularly written on this blog since the end of 2017. I thought about it many times, and I have the draft posts to prove it. It’s not that I didn’t want to write anymore. I just couldn’t.
If you used to read me regularly and you’re still here, thank you! If you’re new, welcome! Either way, I’m glad you’re here. I’m going to jump back into this by recapping the last four years as succinctly as possible.
When I finished NaBloPoMo in 2015, I intended to take a week off and then resume blogging. Instead, I took that week, then more than 50 other weeks, and here I am. Plenty of times I thought about blogging, but I couldn’t bring myself to do it.
I don’t even know what stopped me. Was my blogging moment in the sun over? Was I ever really in the sun to begin with? Was I just too uninspired? Busy? Lazy? The answer to all of these, except for whether I was ever really in the sun, is pretty much yes.
In case you’re wondering, here’s a rundown of what’s happened since I last wrote:
December: Holidays. Work.
January: Work. Snow.
February: Work. Snow. Sad.
March: Work. Probably didn’t snow. Still sad. I fear I will never see sunlight or be warm again.
April: Spring break in LA. Not sad! Warmer!
May: 40th birthday! I wore the fancy party dress. I did a ropes course. I felt strong. I went to Nashville with dear friends. I took over as editor in chief at yeah write.
June: Work. Yeah write.
July: Work. Yeah write. I got book edits back from beta readers and an editor. Yikes. Sinus infection.
August: Work. Yeah write. Book edits. Humidity.
September: Work. Yeah write. Book edits. Long Beach Comic Con (yay, LA!!). So much inspiration and zero time.
October: Work. Two new big freelance jobs. Work. Work. The sun is leaving. Work. Sad. Yeah write. So much stuff.
November: Thanksgiving in LA! Sun! Work. Work. Work. Work. Work. Cold. Yeah write. Work. Sad. Cold. Election.
December: Work. Yeah write. Sad. Work. Christmas. Work. Sad. Sinus infection. Work. Freezing to death. Blob-like.
As you can see, there wasn’t much time for storytelling and I wasn’t really in the mood for stories either. I’ve been so busy. At times, I was busier than any person should be. January looks like it could be moderately busy. I’m fine with that. I have big plans and they all take work.
What I think is most funny is that I think what inspired me to finally break my blog silence was that every year, around this time, I feel like I want to start cooking again (I pretty much haven’t cooked all year) and organizing my house, my life, my everything. Usually things start to get away from me in the fall but the fact is that last year I never got stuff back together so all of 2016 felt off. This is the first time I feel like I can get 2017 on track. I can set real goals rather than arbitrary ones with no target dates (I can’t explain that, you’ll have to accept my vagueness with the understanding that it will make sense later).
In some ways, while everyone else was having the worst 2016, I was having the best. So many things became clear. And in other ways it was the worst because clarity is an absolutely frightening thing sometimes when you don’t know what to do with what you now know to be true.
So, here I am. On the edge of a new year. I have some resolutions and goals, like any good overachiever would. You’ll hear about them in time since I’m not ready for the big reveal. And that’s how I know that this path I’m on is the truth: I need to guard it and protect it. I need to cultivate it. I can’t get bogged down talking about it. I have to push through until I’m there and then I can tell you what I did. I won’t feel like I owe you an update or I made you a promise that maybe I didn’t keep. I’m not making myself promises, other than to get up every day and do the work that needs to get done that day so that I can be where I need to be.
I do hope to blog more. I miss it. I don’t know that I have the time for it in any real way, but I’ll try. For now, I’m going to end the year with some work, the grocery store, getting my hair done, and a party with friends. It’s the right way to end it. I’m ready for something new.
I think I’ve mentioned a time or two how much I am bothered by owning stuff. I often go through these periods where that feeling surges and I’m compelled to get rid of everything. At the same time, I have some strong pack-rat tendencies that have me saving things “just in case” and because of sentimentality.
Add to this the fact that I’m so tired (always) that I often don’t have it in me to do anything about any of the stuff. There’s a whole section of my basement devoted to things I know I’m going to sell… eventually. Then there are the bins of things to go through, combinations of stuff from our old house, keepsakes, and stuff of my mom’s. When I get to thinking about all that, I start getting overwhelmed.
Also, selling stuff is an enormous pain in the ass. Craigslist means that I’m getting emails from randos. I’m not dealing with ebay. It’s too cold for a yard sale, as that is primarily an April through October thing. Usually, my go to is to sell on the Facebook online sale pages. There are tons of them where I am, which is great, but it’s a lot to maintain listings of so many things. Don’t even get me started on all the pictures I have to take and all the listings I have to create in the first place.
I finally got my act together and listed all of my jewelry for sale. I don’t actually like wearing jewelry and I never wear it so every day that I look it, I’m bothered by it all. I sold five necklaces this past week. It was wonderful.
I took a bin full of my kid’s old clothes to a resale shop and made $35. Trying to sell each individual piece would have taken me forever. I probably could have scored more money selling everything separate, but who has that kind of time? Not me.
Then I listed a ton of toys on Facebook. I now have four shopping bags of stuff sitting by my front door waiting for buyers over the next few days. I have a few pending sales. This makes me very happy.
I still have so much more to purge, but I’m so pleased by my progress this weekend. I hope I can keep up this momentum.
This is yeah write’s nomo writing challenge Day 8.