Curses! Van Morrison!

When I meet a new person, I like to give off the impression, temporary though it may be, that I’m a lady.  At my first job, I was able to keep up this ruse for six long years.

That is, of course, until my boss attended my wedding.

In retrospect, picking the DJ for our wedding based on the fact that our dog liked the couple who owned the company might not have been the wisest choice.  During our interview, we put great emphasis on the fact that although we wanted our guests to have a good time, we weren’t really into traditional wedding music. On the Do Not Play list were all the group dance songs and Kool & The Gang’s “Celebration.” They were not to close the reception with “Last Dance” by Donna Summer, though they were free to play that in the middle of the reception if they had to.  The most important instruction, if they listened to nothing else, was that they were, under no circumstances, to play Van Morrison’s “Brown-Eyed Girl.”

No matter what compromises I was willing to make, I simply would not tolerate a song that caused girls to stand in a circle holding hands and sway like “Brown-Eyed Girl” does.  If anyone requested it, our DJ was to instruct the guest that by order of the bride the answer was no.  I knew there was a chance that a rogue bridesmaid might request it simply to annoy me and I advised him to be prepared just in case.

“I don’t care if my own mother somehow gets her own wheelchair across the room to request it, you tell her no.  It’s MY day.  Do. Not. Play. That. Song.”

During the wedding, I made my rounds to each table.  By the time I reached the table where my coworkers and boss were sitting, I had hit the whiskey bottle pretty hard.  I managed to hold it together for a few minutes, but then I heard a few familiar notes giving way to some familiar lyrics.

“Hey where did we go
Days when the rain came…”

My boss was mid-sentence when I cut him off.

“That mother fucker!  I told him not to play this fucking song!”

Jaws dropped.  I heard something like “no one dressed in a white gown should be swearing like that,” but I was already on my way to give the DJ a piece of my mind.

I was no longer laughing and a jumping, hey hey.  I was not skipping and a jumping.

When I returned to work after my honeymoon, my boss approached me to tell me what a nice time he had at the wedding.  As he walked away, he started singing “Brown Eyed Girl.”  My cover was officially blown.

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51 thoughts on “Curses! Van Morrison!

  1. Dana

    I vaguely remember this, but I think I was too absorbed in dancing with my usher and trying to avoid another certain usher. If it makes any difference, I had a blast even though he played that stupid song. 🙂 Great story, well told!

  2. Outlaw mama

    THIS happened to me! Except my boss wasn’t there. Under NO circumstances were they to play ANY Frank Sinatra. Hate him. I was eating my dinner and I hear that stupid song about the moon but before I blew a gasket, my matron of honor put the ka-bashiola on that. I also hate Brown-eyed girl. But you? You i love. I don’t even want to tickle my wrist, much less slit it.

    1. Michelle Longo

      “Stupid song about the moon” haha!! I’m not a fan, though my father’s aunt used to claim to have babysat Sinatra (they grew up on the same block, apparently).

      You are sweet. I kind of love you too. I’m so glad I didn’t make you suicidal today.

  3. Gina

    Same songs on my anti-song list 24 years ago. Hate them. I even refuse to dance to them anywhere. I sense I’m a little like you. People have a very different impression of me than I really am. And I can keep up the good and proper for awhile. Sometimes a long while but my real self it always peeking for opportunities to come out and play. Loved your story and your boss was a riot!

    1. Michelle Longo

      I’m most different at work. I have been told often by coworkers, once they get to know me better, that they were afraid of me when they met me or they can’t believe I have tattoos or that I used to smoke or drink or party. My work self seems boring, but I guess it’s because she’s always so busy working.

  4. ateachablemom.com

    So good! I can envision doing the exact same thing – playing “good girl” the entire day, then losing it with the DJ. I wouldn’t even need to be drinking. I always love how real, honest and human you are in your wonderful writing. No exception here!

    1. Michelle Longo

      Aw, thank you 🙂 I love writing because I can be more honest here than anywhere else. Mostly, I think, because I don’t have to look any of you in the face while you read this!

  5. Kirsten Oliphant

    At least he seemed amused by it? LOL. That would have been a really funny meet-and-greet the real you. I think you should call this post “F-bombs and a White Wedding.” (As a little nod to Billy Idol also.)

  6. Kianwi

    Did the DJ turn it off when you ran over there? That is so funny! And I absolutely LOVE that your boss walked away singing that song. Shows he had a good sense of humor 🙂

    1. Michelle Longo

      Nope, he kept right on playing the song! He seemed very confused that I was so angry and muttered an apology. Then he ate an enormous dinner on my dime, the jerk.

  7. Linda Roy

    hahaha! omg that’s funny and now i’ll think of it whenever i hear that song. you know, it’s funny, because musicians joke about that song. people always come up to bands at gigs and request that song. i’d say…about as much as guitarists play “stairway to heaven” at music stores. it’s almost guranteed you’ll be tortured wherever you go, michelle. 😉 i like that your boss had a sense of humor about it!

    1. Michelle Longo

      Seriously? People want bands to play that? Ugh. It’s the worst!!

      I’m one of those people who can find a way to be tortured in any circumstance, if for no other reason than to have something to complain about. It’s one of those things that makes me special. 🙂

  8. Marcy

    Funny. I loved your use of “hey hey.” I had specifically forbidden “Celebration” for my wedding–and he played it. (I love “Brown Eyed Girl” though!)

  9. Samantha Brinn Merel

    So I secretly (and not so secretly now) love that song.

    At our wedding it wasn’t what we didn’t want the band to play so much as what we did want them to play. We didn’t care much about their playlist, but there was one song that we said that the absolutely could not miss under any circumstances. And it was, of course, the only one they didn’t play.

    1. Michelle Longo

      It’s OK that you like the song. You don’t sway though, do you? Please tell me you don’t sway.

      I’ve gotta know, what’s the song they didn’t play?

  10. Stacie @ Snaps and Bits

    So funny Michelle and loved the telling! I like most Van Morrison songs, I must admit. But I’ve never seen girls standing in a circle swaying to it. That could change things. My generation didn’t do that!

    1. Michelle Longo

      I feel like every school dance had girls swaying and the ones without brown eyes would be all said that there wasn’t a popular song about them. Revolting teenage girl nonsense. I think that’s what put me off to it.

      I do like other Van Morrison songs, I just can’t take that one.

      Thanks for the kind words too!

    1. Michelle Longo

      How you feelin’? Is that the “hot hot hot” song? If so, yuck. I hate that too. I think they played that and I think (though I can’t be certain) a conga line might have been formed. And if there WAS a conga line at my wedding (again, whiskey, can’t be certain), I really hope I wasn’t part of it.

      Except I think I was.

    1. Michelle Longo

      I can only imagine how ridiculous I looked, all short in this big wedding gown, screeching and slurring about a song I hated. If that DJ has a blog, he probably wrote about that night too.

  11. tuhina tomar

    This story was absolutely hilarious and very well told. Note to self: Cover the office table before the alcohol does it’s thing. Awesome Post.:)

  12. writingmehome

    Oh nooooooo!!! Our Do Not Play lists are identical, and I can’t stand that song, so I completely was with you in your agony and rage at that moment! Great post. 🙂

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