Someone said to me to be kind to myself.  She said, “You deserve kindness and love.”

She is wrong.  I do not.  She doesn’t know me.

She only sees what I let her see.  She sees the person who does good, who is friendly, who is supportive of others.  She sees what I pretend to be.

She doesn’t know that inside I am a terrible person.  She doesn’t hear what I hear.  I am rotten and miserable, straight into my core.  If she knew, she would be done with me.  If she knew, she’d understand why I am so hard on myself.  She wouldn’t waste her time on this lost cause.

I push the loathsome parts of me down so far in the hopes that all that can come out of me is good.  This is how I fool people.  I am dishonest about who I am.

It passes.  The bile in my gut, instead of rising up this morning, sinks back down until it’s gone.  I am not angry.  I am not sad.  My head is quiet this morning.  Today, I do not hate.

I wake up to my heart racing.  Before I can even blink I am ready to conquer the world.  I will go off and do wonderful things.  I will be spectacular.  I will shine and you will take note.  You will be in awe of all that I am.

I do not need your love or your kindness or your adoration.  I don’t need anything from you.  I know I am amazing.  I don’t need you to tell me.  I don’t need to seek your approval.

I need to act on these impulses.  I must do everything there is to be done and I must do it all now.

I must take hold of this, before it’s too late.

Soon, the cycle will begin again.

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68 Responses to “Cycle.”

  1. I know this cycle you speak of, yes.

    Maybe one day it’d stop at the bright side, yes?

  2. Gia says:

    Ugh, that’s not a fun cycle at all.

  3. carrie says:

    Oh my goodness! I echo Alison’s comment. I really do hope one day that voice in your head is silenced for good and you don’t have to rush to get things done and enjoy before she comes slithering back.

  4. Kenja Purkey says:

    A fellow blogger of mine called that voice that tells us what horrible people we are the Inner Critic (IC). There are days that my IC slaps me silly with whisperings of what a terrible person I am. Somedays I am that person, but mostly I’m not as bad as she makes me out to be, and neither are you.

  5. I want to hug you.
    My sister has battled with bi-polar disorder (among other things) for most of her life, and through her I know this cycle all too well.
    It’s a terrible thing, but thank you for sharing.

  6. Heidi says:

    What a raw and moving post. Thank you for this. I think there are many, many people who suffer at the hands of ourselves. To give voice to this is courageous and truly needed.

  7. Delilah Love says:

    I love your honesty in this post. I hate that toxic merry-go-round. I’m on it more often than not and it’s a horrible cycle of self doubt, self hatred, and loathing. Thank you for sharing!

  8. Vivian says:

    I don’t suffer from bi-polar but because of my past (long story) I am easily thrown into a world of self doubt and critism. Big hugs from me.

  9. I can’t imagine being on that horrible cycle. I hope you find a way off that scary-go-round. Thank you for sharing.

  10. Julie says:

    I’m kind of a little bit in awe of your honesty.

  11. When I read this line: “I push the loathsome parts of me down so far in the hopes that all that can come out of me is good.” I couldn’t help but picture a lump of coal traveling through and becoming a diamond.

    • That’s a good analogy. I’m not sure there’s always a diamond at the end though 😉 Also, your comment kind of reminded me of that line from Ferris Bueller (which means I’m feeling kind of silly!)

  12. Vanessa says:

    I hope your inner voice becomes kinder.

  13. Joe says:

    We all have negative images that force their way into our brains. Sometimes, we have to remind ourselves that we don’t have to believe every thought that passes through our minds.

  14. I so wish I could tell you I have no idea what you are talking about. But I do. I wish I didn’t. It’s one of the worst things about my brain that I have this cycle. Thank you for helping me see I am not alone.

  15. Erin says:

    I know that cycle all too well. Or at least I think I do?
    I’m battling some postpartum depression & anxiety and after a terrible session with my husband at my therapist’s office today, I feel like utter shit. Worthless. Stupid.SHIT.

    and i hate it. i know it won’t last, but i hate these times.

    thank you for writing about them so that i can remember i’m not alone.


  16. You are such a powerful writer, and you aren’t alone on that cycle. It blows. I know.

  17. Adrienne says:

    I get this. One day we’re weak and insecure. The next day we can take on the world!

  18. Nikkiana says:

    I know these days all to well. For a long time, I trusted that inner voice which tore me down more than I trusted the voices of the people who surrounded me and reminded me to be kind to myself. It’s still a battle.

  19. Kim S. says:

    What a powerful piece. I know these cycles all too well. But it sounds like you are finding the inner strength to lift yourself up when your darker thoughts are at bay. Sending you lots of sunshine…

  20. Susie Newday says:

    This definitely resonated with me because I am an all or nothing personality. The middle ground is my holy grail that I am struggling to find. And yes, this cycle is exhausting.

    Just curious-does it at all help you to know others feel the same way you do?

  21. Jack says:

    Forgive me for being male, but acknowledging this seems to be like a step in trying to stop the cycle. That is a good thing. It is hard to hear those whispers, been there.

  22. Ado says:

    This was so honest and insightful. So I’m not going to say anything to try to make you feel better – just know that I am reading. xo

  23. This is an incredible piece of writing. I think one of the best parts of it is that you gave a voice and words to feelings that so many people have. You have a gift. Great work.

  24. christina says:

    i hate when i become a Monster, as i’ve recently started calling it- the dark that takes over for a couple weeks every month. my OBGYN put me on Prozac two weeks ago and i pray i don’t enter my Monster cycle any day now…

  25. i hope reading through these comments lets you see that as grim as it feels in those dark places, there are lots of others of us in the dark with you, fumbling our way towards the light.

  26. Cindy says:

    As the Bloggess says, “depression is a lying bastard.” Don’t listen to those voices.

  27. This was raw emotion so honestly and skillfully transcribed. Hugs to you always, no matter where you are in the cycle. Ellen

  28. Wow. One word: powerful. You have talent, my friend. Happy to have found my way here.

  29. Shan says:

    Very honest and moving post.

  30. Amanda says:

    And this one hits too close to home. My “cycles” are a bit different, but in the end, it’s all the same. Hang in there. That’s all I try to do in the dark days.

    Your first paragraphs… I could have written them.

  31. You never cease to amaze me, Michelle. Whether through humor or something as powerful as this, you are an amazing writer. And you deserve to know that.

  32. Oh yes, I know this well. It’s a shame we can’t choose what voice we will hear when we wake up and how loud that particular voice will be on that particular day.

    • So true. Some days I feel like I’m up for the challenge of negative talk and others it just beats me down further. I need to remember to just ignore it and hope it’ll go away quickly.

  33. And when do we get to “just be” without needing to accomplish, put on a face, make an impact–even if it is merely the impact of removing the dog hair from the floor?

    Let’s jump off the merry-go-round together…ready…one…two…

    Very well written. xo

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