It’s that time of year where I’m getting ready to be extra busy (holidays, work crunches, etc.) and suddenly desire to be thinner and more organized and a better mom and wife. It’s almost as though I wait for the most impossible times to self-improve in anticipation of failure.
In light of that, I’m going to give it another go. Last weekend was my 15 year high school reunion. I saw a lot of people I hadn’t seen in, well, 15 years. But what I saw the next day was far more frightening. A friend posted his pictures on Facebook and there was a crowd shot. Off in the background was a group of us talking and my back was to the camera.
I. Am. Enormous.
Naturally this realization comes right before my anniversary (must have take out!) and our celebratory dinner out (must have rodizio!). I let myself have the preplanned dinners and they were delicious. But now, on the eve of a new week, I must recommit to eating better. Seriously this time. I truly feel badly for everyone who has had to stand behind me and see me from that view. And like any insane person would, I cropped the picture, blew it up and put it next to my computer so that as I work and dream of food, I can look over and see what that behavior has gotten me. It’s also serving as a not-so-gentle reminder that I need to get off my FA and work out. And also that I shouldn’t wear short sleeves in public.
The other things – the more organized and “good” wife and mother – I don’t have a plan for that at all yet. I think I need to get back to what I know works, which is to create a schedule and stick to it. Left to my own devices, I will do nothing. I will sit here and hit refresh to see if anyone on Facebook had a new thought. I will stare at my checkbook and think about the bills I have to pay next pay day. I will look at a pile of work and think about how much physical space it takes up instead of doing it and getting it out of here. So perhaps if I have a plan – work is during THESE times, cooking and exercise HERE, cleaning is on THIS morning – maybe I can actually look back on a week and know what I’ve gotten done.
I know I should be flexible, allow for the curveballs life will throw me. But anyone who has known me for a long time knows that I’m not flexible and I can’t be spontaneous. If I stop trying to be and rather embrace my true way I will actually get things done. How did I get through school and college and an out of the house job? I had things to do at certain times and that’s when I did them. Period. Now I try to be flexible it always blows up in my face.
The next part of this, and maybe I’ll leave this for my next post, is that I don’t have any interests any more, simply because I don’t have time for them. What I need to do is schedule in some time to do something that I enjoy. Writing, reading, cooking, exercising – all things I enjoyed at one point. I must get back to that point in my life. I can’t just be about cleaning and working and complaining. But I think that topic is for another day.