Hero Pants.

Hero Pants.

You guys. I have a huge, huge, huge, really big problem. My favorite jammie pants have a hole in the crotch.

I first received these pants as a gift for Christmas 2005. Or it could have been 2004. I know it was definitely not earlier than 2003 because I remember opening them in the living room of the house I bought in August of that year. I know it couldn’t have been 2006 because I wore them while I was ridiculously pregnant and that was Christmas 2006.

Let me clear up a few things that I’m sure you’re thinking about. First, do NOT point out that pants I have had for nearly a decade have lived a good life and therefore it may be time to let them go. I do not want to let them go. I told you, they are my favorite.

Do not point out that a pair of jammie pants that fit me during the largest point of my pregnancy (my kid was born a week after Christmas) might not be the best look for me. I wore them when my weight was in the 120s, I wore them in the 160s. I’ve worn them at every weight in between. They are my favorite and they happen to be quite flattering.

Do not point out that pale purple with pastel polka dots and a flip-up cuff with corresponding teal/white polka dots isn’t really a mature pattern for a grown woman such as myself. To that I will simply point out that you’re probably just jealous of my amazing pants.

And don’t you dare suggest that a crotch-run in my favorite jammies could potentially be from the fact that the crotch hangs (because of the size) and could have just been worn away by my 160-pound thighs rubbing together. Don’t point out the bottoms have frayed because at five feet tall, these pants are also too long and sometimes the fancy cuff falls down.

Do not point out that the bottom of the frayed cuff that is now somewhat stained from dragging on the ground when I’ve worn them outside (to walk the dog or get the mail or take out the garbage, not like to Target or anything) and that these stains are unsightly. These things happen.

I have other jammie pants. I have the red plaid that actually fit. I have the blue plaid that are super comfy, if not a touch too thin for those chilly nights when I refuse to turn the heat up higher than sixty degrees. I’m a jammie recycler and three pair really is enough. Two pair might be too few though, so the demise of my favorite pair is even more painful. No, I can’t simply buy another pair. Sheesh.

I love those pants. They have a pocket in the back. I can put my phone in there. They are the only jammie pants I own with a pocket to put my phone in and I need to put my phone in my pocket so I don’t lose it. If I throw out those pants, all of social media may crumble because I can’t find my phone.

So you see, my ugly, ripped, stained, excessively large pants are really saving the universe. I’ll bet you’re really sad about them now, too.

This is NaBloPoMo Day 18.

32 Responses to “Hero Pants.”

  1. Stacie says:

    I’m totally sad. Viva la jammies!

  2. This is awful. I lost a beloved (and 10 year old) pair of pj pants a couple of years ago and it was wrenching. The only thing one could possibly do it head to the Target pj aisle and procure a new pair. They won’t ever be as glorious as those old ones, but I bet you can even find one with a pocket…

    • michellelongo says:

      I don’t know. I feel like I’m too weak with grief to shop. Do you think they even have other pants with pockets? And if I get a new pair and then something happens to them, I’m not sure I can take the heartbreak. Sigh…

  3. I wear exactly two things in the winter: My fleece PJ pants and my leggings. Both have crotch holes and I don’t even care. You rock those PJ pants until they are sheet.

  4. Samantha S says:

    Preaching to the choir. I ripped a hole in the crotch of my favorite jammie pants when I was pregnant with #3 (and teetering a tad higher than the 160s–talk about “sheesh”). I will not throw them out, no matter how many nice, soft, coffee-stained pairs I put away in the drawer on top of them. I just hope I don’t forget about the hole and wear them to my son’s pajama party at school. Because that would be the worst.

    • michellelongo says:

      If I had to attend a pajama party, I most definitely would need to buy new pjs. Or try to convince people I sleep in jeans. I really hope I don’t get invited to a pajama party.

  5. christi74 says:

    I’m jealous of your amazing pants! I wore my favorite pair until the elastic literally fell out of the waistband.

  6. I recently had to stage my own pantervention to rid myself of my addiction to a pair f nasty faded black cotton capris.

  7. Kylie says:

    This was pantastic.

  8. Patch em up and soldier on!
    Also, the comment above. ^^ 😀

  9. sisterhood of the traveling (pajama) pants. is it heresy to suggest a patch? like a soft flannel patch? probably. Of course, you could just buy undies to match the polka dots. Problem solved. Because a good pair of jammie pants is a rare rare thing.

    • michellelongo says:

      You can certainly suggest the patch. But it really sounds like more work than buying new pants. Complaining about it might be the way to go :)

  10. I feel your pain. My favorite yoga pants got an unfixable hole in the butt, and I felt like weeping. They don’t make `em like that anymore.

  11. quinndien says:

    *Moment of silence*

    I had a robe that was sacred to me, so you have my deepest sympathies.

  12. penneyfox says:

    Didn’t you know, crotch holes are the new black ….

  13. outlaw mama says:

    I have those pants. They are red and white and when they die, I will mourn and keen and wail.

  14. Angela Ryan says:

    I am sad. Confession: The lounge pants I’m wearing right now are 14 years old. I will probably need to have a formal ceremony for them when they meet the horrible demise you describe.

  15. I have a t-shirt that has been sewn up at the armpits more times than I can remember. Both armpits. Many colors of thread.

  16. Karen says:

    You could just wear them with the hole. Just avoid sitting cross-legged.

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