I’m Getting Used To It.

This isn’t going to be one of those well thought out posts.  It’s going to be more of the this is how it is right now sort of posts.

We are lucky that my in-laws love having my son spend the night at their house.  Nathan is such an early riser that any chance I have to send him over there I take.  All last week he woke up around 5:15. Last Saturday he was up at 4:50.

I wish I knew what was waking him up.  I’ve tried putting him to bed earlier and later.  I’ve tried closing the curtains, opening or closing the windows, turning on or off the air, more or less night lights.  I’ve tried everything except chloroform and the kid just won’t sleep.  He mostly goes to sleep without issue, but I suspect this is because he is exhausted.  I know I am.

He rarely sleeps through the night.  I remember celebrating when he started sleeping from 7-12 in his own room, by himself, in his crib and I got 5 hours of not holding him.  He was 16 months old at that time.  I eventually got us to where he wouldn’t come into my room until 2 am.  When he was 3 and half, we moved to this house and he started staying in his room all night.

His night, however, ends way earlier than mine does.

If he would go back to sleep, I wouldn’t care if he came into my room in the morning.   If I bring him to my room like I did when he was really little, he won’t go back to sleep.  If it’s 5 and he’s awake, he is AWAKE.

And it’s not like he’ll come to my room.  He won’t get out of his own bed.  He calls for me and I go to him.  I know what you’re thinking:  Why don’t you just tell him you won’t go to him and then not go?  I’ve tried.  He calls me, endlessly.  If I don’t go, he panics.  I’ve tried telling him during the day when he’s awake that he should come to my room if he needs me in the night.  I’ve tried telling him at 2 am and 4 am when wakes that he should come get me next time he wakes up.

“Mama.  I can’t.  I’m afraid.”

Sometimes he just needs a reassurance that I’m around and he’ll go right back to sleep.  Sometimes he wants me to stand there and hold his hand until he’s back to sleep.  I’ve also tried telling him that if he can’t sleep, he needn’t wake up the whole house, he should just find a way to occupy himself quietly until 6 am.  He claims he can do none of those things.

And so I cave so that he’s not screeching like a maniac.  There was one day, shortly after we moved here, when the neighbor said she heard a baby calling for his mommy in the night but didn’t know whose it was because it was 3 am and she didn’t know who would be out that late.  It was my kid.  I had forgotten the windows were open and I had been trying to get him to go back to sleep.

Anyway, all this was to say that last night he slept at his grandparents’ house and I woke up to the beautiful sound of silence.  I didn’t hear my name.  It was 7 am.

I wish I could say it was enough for me to be rested, but not so much.  That’s OK, I’m sort of used to the sleep deprivation.

3 Responses to “I’m Getting Used To It.”

  1. Oh my god, it sounds so hellish. I hate the sleep deprivation and hate it when my babies are distressed. It’s so hard. I am glad your in laws are helping out because it’s just too brutal. I have no answers but am sending you a hug and support.

    • I can’t even remember what it feels like to be rested. I constantly walk around in a state of “I’m so tired I could die.” It feels no matter how much I sleep I can’t make up for all I’ve lost. Maybe when I’m in my 80s I’ll catch up. Thanks for the hug and support!

  2. Oh no! That exhaustion is just awful. I’m glad your in laws are helping out. Does he do the same thing over there? I don’t have any words of wisdom, unfortunately. Just know that I hope it gets better soon!

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