Inflexible.

“The best laid schemes of Mice and Men
oft go awry,
And leave us nothing but grief and pain,
For promised joy!”
– Robert Burns (To A Mouse, 1785)

“Life is what happens to you
While you’re busy making other plans.”
– John Lennon (Beautiful Boy)

I can’t tell you how many times people have quoted the above to me in some way.

I’m a planner.  Once I get an idea, I want to figure out every little detail as soon as possible, regardless of how far off in the future the planned thing is and then I don’t want anyone or anything to mess it up.  Because there’s a plan.  And because I said so.

I received a full 4-year scholarship to the one and only college I applied to.  Because I couldn’t afford college otherwise, it was imperative that I finish in the 4 years without any summer classes.  Since I was a social work major and there was a very specific program that had to be followed, I did not have a lot of flexibility in the classes I could take or when.  Some were only offered either in the Spring or Fall semesters and there was a tremendous amount of interning that needed to be done.  I also had a job or two and responsibilities at home, but I don’t want to pat myself on the back or anything.

Anyway, my point is that in order to accomplish this goal, I had to plan wisely.  During my second semester, I sat down and planned out my classes for the next 3 years.  I had a binder which contained the program for my degree, the course book for each upcoming semester as it became available and some charts and grids.  It mostly worked out and I did graduate on time.  Planning.  It works.

When I got my ticket for BlogHer in January, no sooner did I receive my email receipt did I start to freak out think about the logistics of where I’d stay and how I’d get there.  I’ve mostly got it pinned down (there are two options for travel into the city) and after hours of hotel searching I ended up booking a room at the host-hotel.  I only get a little nauseous when I think about traveling in the morning of, but once I fully commit to a method, I’ll feel better.  I’m still struggling with what I’ll wear and how I’ll pack, but it’s in August so I have a little time to figure it out.  I won’t feel at ease until it’s all settled though.  Planning.  Seriously, it’s my downfall.

Yesterday I went to pick up the registration packet for my son for kindergarten.  He starts in September.   Last summer, a full 14 months before he would start, I was looking into after-care for him. The local program, run by the YMCA, looked reasonable and affordable and seemed to have some good enrichment opportunities.  I had a plan.  I could continue my current work schedule with only a minor adjustment to my hours.  I could walk him to school, get to the office, leave only a little later than I do now and pick him up at after-care.  So imagine my surprise when I find out that they will NOT be offering after-care at HIS elementary school.  No, instead he would be transported almost a full mile across town on a Bus.  With Other Children.  Some who are OLDER than he is.

Mama-panic.  I don’t want him on a bus.  He could get lost walking 10 feet from building to bus and vice versa.  What if he trips on those big bus stairs?  What if there’s no one for him to sit with?  What if someone’s not watching him like a hawk every single minute?  What if??

{At this time, I’d like to point out that my child has been in pre-school since he was 18 months old and that I am generally alright with the idea of him being out of my sight.  Except when I think about it, which I tend not to do.}

I’m not comfortable with the idea of him being in a large school that houses K through Grade 6.  I’m not at ease with the idea that he will probably be given some amount of responsibility to move about the school somewhat unattended, like to go to the bathroom and stuff.  In essence, I’m not OK with him growing up at all.  I can’t even tell you what the pit of my stomach feels like when I consider the idea that someday he won’t live here and I won’t know his whereabouts at any given moment.  Someone should have mentioned to me how awful this letting go thing was when I contemplated having a child.

Oh, so back to the plans.  Yeah, so I made them and they fell apart.  Now I ONLY have until September to figure out what I’ll do about my work schedule.  I don’t think it’s fair that I have to rethink my schedule to accommodate an entire school district and YMCA.  Honestly…

I wish someone would have told me just how much control I’d have to relinquish to the Universe when I had a child.  Someone should have told me that I could not plan every aspect of my life (or Child’s life) several months or years in advance.  Someone should have…  What’s that you say?  Robert Burns and John Lennon told me?  Yeah?  Well… whatever.  [Crosses arms.  Stomps off.]

Edited to add:  Comments are turned off on this post because it was getting killed with spam.

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46 Responses to “Inflexible.”

  1. Dana says:

    You’re the yin to my yang when it comes to BlogHer. I won’t contemplate how I’m getting to the city until at least July, at which time I hope you’ll be prepared to answer a hundred questions from me. :) I envy your planning instincts… it’s one of the few virgo traits I don’t have.

    • It’s very possible that I may have worried a little bit for you about your logistics. I do try to make myself stop by saying that you’re a grown up and it’s sort of your problem (I don’t mean that meanly), but I can’t help myself!! I have some ideas when you’re ready to worry with me though, haha!!

      And it’s kind of funny that Geminis are supposed to be spontaneous and more go with the flow and I am so not that way. All the other stuff they say about them is true of me, but not this. I don’t think there’s a spontaneous bone in my body.

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