Just Crackers.

Sometimes I have a story I want to tell here that I can’t because no matter what I do to strip away the details to protect the privacy of others, the story remains completely transparent.  If you knew me at all in real life, even just a little, you’d know who or what I was talking about.  I do file them away though because they are wonderful “you won’t believe this” type stories and they need to be told someday.

But, since I can’t tell you those stories, I’ll tell you this one instead.  It’s about a friend of mine.  No, really.  A friend.  This wouldn’t happen in my house.

One day, my friend bought a box of crackers.  Maybe it was a box of organic, 27-grain, mega-fortified crackers from that high-end grocery store where everything costs five times what it does in the regular store.  She bought this box and she took it home thinking her kid would like the crackers or he would at least tolerate them and it would be a good way to sneak 27 grains into him since he doesn’t want to eat anything remotely healthy (not that I’m judging my friend or her kid here, you see).  She put her hopes and dreams of a healthy life for her child into this box of crackers.  He took one bite, spit it on the floor and she realized she just wasted $9 on these crackers because they tasted like dirt.

But she refused to call this a loss.  Those crackers were going to get eaten come hell or high water!  She took a bite.  Through gritted teeth, sort of chewing, trying to choke that nasty thing down, she smiled and told her child that those crackers were good.  She asked if he was sure he didn’t want to try another.  He didn’t.  He ran away.  She was relieved, because then she could spit the thing out too!  She put the crackers in the cabinet and give the kid Goldfish.

Later, her husband came home and tried the crackers.  He told her they were horrible and she agreed. He was not thrilled about wasted money.  She assured him they would get eaten.  Secretly, she was creating a mental list of who she could give these crackers to so as not to waste.  Her friends’ kids who like healthy stuff?  Her healthy friends?  A coworker?  The dog?  Someone had to want these stupid crackers.

Every day when she would get her kid a snack or pack his lunch or reach for the nearby cereal, there were the crackers, smiling at her.  Taunting her.  When she would buy new groceries, she was always smacked in the face by how they were taking up precious shelf space where she could put something edible.  Yet she wouldn’t move them.  She would not let these crackers defeat her.

Months went by and the crackers were still there.  Eventually she got used to the crackers and they started to bother her a little less. Some days her anger towards the crackers would flare up and she might have a little meltdown about them, but once she blew off some steam, things went back to normal.

But then one day, her husband had had quite enough of these crackers and said, “Can I throw these things out, please?”  She shrugged it off, “Yeah, whatever.”  And just like that, she heard them hit the bottom of the garbage can with a thud.

It was then that she realized she was free!  The crackers were finally gone!  There was now a 2 inch wide space in her cabinet where she could actually put something yummy!  She hadn’t really accepted the crackers after all.  She was simply waiting for fate (or her husband) to step in and deal with the crackers.  She no longer had to look at or feel guilty about or have anger towards a cardboard box with a plastic wrapper inside filled with small discs of putrid grains.  She might have even acknowledged that maybe she shouldn’t have had this many emotions towards a box of crackers that wasn’t really worth her time.  She might have also vowed that next time she buys bad crackers, she will just cut her losses and pitch them immediately.  But it didn’t matter now.  None of it mattered now because those crackers were OUT OF THERE!

Phew!  That felt good to get out.  Um, I mean it must have felt good for HER to get that out…  You know, when it happened and all.

Friends, I promise you this:  That story is about my friend and her crackers and nothing else.

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32 Responses to “Just Crackers.”

  1. Delilah Love says:

    I may or may not have a full box of some of the nastiest crackers ever made collecting dust on my pantry shelf right now. Stupid crackers. Great post!

  2. I think we all have a “friend” like this. In our house, I only try stuff like organic crackers when things have been a little boring. Then I stand back, secure my position, and wait for the uprising. Good, good stuff. Tell your friend we’ll take her in The Sisterhood any day. Erin

  3. Gia says:

    Hahha it’s hard to admit mistakes, especially when there’s money involved. Le sigh.

  4. Heidi says:

    Haha! I’ve bought those crackers, cookies, snacks…and they were thrown out too.

  5. Hey, be glad your friend only bought the crackers. When my son was a baby I decided to MAKE crackers, which involves making a dough, rolling it flat, cutting it into squares, etc. They were the worst crackers in the universe; I bet they were worse than yours, I mean than your friend’s. Of course the child wouldn’t eat them. I didn’t want to eat them. And having put all that time, effort and hope into them, it took me some time to get around to throwing them out. I switched right over to making cookies and have never looked back!

    • Mmm. Cookies.
      There was briefly some consideration of making crackers from scratch. There might still be some recipes hanging around in the “to try” file. Thanks for reading!

  6. KimP says:

    Strange. I JUST tossed a box of crackers that the husband refused to toss because they may or may not be stale but he didn’t want to check. Were you talking about me but changing the details?

    ~The G is Silent

  7. Hahaha! I hate these food items that cause so much angst in us. I’ll stick with yummy, fatty food that I eat straightaway so that they can’t hang around like a bad smell.

  8. Jamie says:

    :-} I think I know what crackers you’re talking about exactly bc I just tossed ours out too.

  9. Jade says:

    I don’t know, those crackers do sound gross but they reminded me of the totally nice packet of Sakatas I’ve got in the kitchen. Thanks for the unnecessary late-night snack prompt! *sigh*

  10. Beej says:

    Wow. Your friend just needed enough Cheez-Wiz, and those crackers would have gone down like the most delightful saltines…

  11. Ah, Cheez-Wiz!! I’ll have to try that next time! Thanks for reading!

  12. Kudos to “your friend” on the realization that those overpriced crackers are not just gross, but also a ripoff. Sounds like “she” really learned her lesson.

  13. Stacey says:

    I’ve been there many times, my friend. :-)

  14. Kristin says:

    We had that happen with a jar of kimchee. My husband loves it, so I bought a jar. He ate some, then put it back in the fridge where it migrated to the back. And stayed. And stayed. Finally, about a year later, he asked what the heck kimchee was doing in the back of the fridge, and then it went into the can. Woo hoo! Something else will fit back in the forget-me-please space of the fridge.

  15. Here is to our ‘friends’ and may they always somehow or some way find themselves rid of nasty crackers. Great post!

  16. hanumant says:

    My cousin recommended this blog and she was totally right keep up the fantastic work!

    Diwali Crackers

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