Nothing Is Good Enough.

I had a whole post written in my head that I planned for Yeah Write this week.  It was positive.  No one died, no one was sad.  I think it showed some emotional growth on my part, if I do say so myself.

The trouble is, I can’t write happy when I’m not.  When I’m cranky, or worse depressed, all that comes out is cranky and depressed.  I can’t fake it.  I wear my heart on my sleeve and on the page and on the screen.  Believe me when I tell you that I find it as irritating as everyone around me does, and at times I have as much control over my mood as they do.

When I feel like this, somewhere in the middle of a ven diagram of furious, apathetic and despondent, I tend to listen to music that feeds these feelings.  I don’t listen to upbeat songs in an effort to snap out of it.  Instead, I listen to music that pushes me further and further down until there is no place left to go but up.

The lyrics to Aimee Mann’s “Nothing Is Good Enough” came to mind today at a point when I didn’t know if I should cry, scream or run away.  I asked my coworker if she was familiar with song and she was not.  I pulled it up on my phone and played it for her.  It was all I could do to not bawling at my desk.  I should have known better than to play it when I couldn’t sing unrestrained and let out the bottled up crud I call feelings.

I excused myself when it was over and headed to the ladies room to splash some water on my face and mentally smack some sense into myself.  One can’t pick up in the middle of the day and leave the office.  One must get back to work and do what is necessary and expected.  A complete emotional breakdown had to wait.

By the time I got home today, I realized that the person that nothing is good enough for most of all is myself.  I can’t expect to please others when I don’t believe I’m anything more than an enormous letdown.  It’s that whole you get the respect you command thing.

I’m pretty sure I didn’t hit the bottom of this current downswing or not.  I don’t know if I’m ready to champion my own success yet.  I might need to sit on this one for a little while longer.  I might need to listen to more Aimee Mann so I can get this one over with already.

When I get there though, back up where I want to be, I’ll hurry up and write that post before it’s too late.

I don’t know what’s up with the weird picture, but if you’ve never heard “Nothing Is Good Enough” by Aimee Mann from the Bachelor No. 2 album, give it a listen.

36 Responses to “Nothing Is Good Enough.”

  1. Bee says:

    I’m the opposite. Sometimes my own doctor can’t tell if I’m going through a depression because of something called “affect.” You also have to let yourself feel the way you feel. But even though you’re feeling down, it definitely doesn’t mean you aren’t good enough :)

    • The only people I can fake it with are clients, but that is an exhausting practice!

    • Bee says:

      Sorry, I guess I wasn’t very clear — what I meant was that I just come across as “fine” even when I’m not. It’s really weird. My doctor wants me to “fake it ’til I make it” but it’s too freakin’ hard. I bet it’s exhausting having to do that every day. I hope you’re feeling better.

    • I have had people tell me I never seemed all that depressed to them during periods when I knew I was. No need to apologize :) I’m sorry if my response seemed grumpy.

    • Bee says:

      Not at all! But people tell me that exact same thing so…you’re definitely not alone :)

  2. Virtual hugs, sister. I have the hardest time posting the funny when I’m not feeling the funny. I always think I should write ahead when I’m feeling it, but I never do.

    • Knowing full well that I’m never up for all that long before I’m back down, you’d think I’d plan ahead. Usually I’m too busy doing 800 things at once, which is why I was writing 4 different things in my head instead of one actual thing on my blog or on paper. Maybe next time. Thanks for the hug xo

  3. why is it so easy going down the mountain and so hard climbing up… i hear you and crank away as long as you need, but hopefully you’ll write that happy post real soon.

  4. Larks says:

    I am of the school of thought that believes understanding why you’re sad is the key to snapping out of it. Introspection and soul searching can be good first steps to happy. Besides, the Stepford-esk “I AM HAPPY. EVERYTHING IS BRILLIANT ALWAYS.” approach to blogging and life can be a bit hard to stomach for reader and writer alike. Hang in there!

    • Azara says:

      I completely agree with Larks. I don’t want to read “happy, happy, happy” all the time because it often feels inauthentic. But I hear you. I’m not as unhappy or serious as my posts may seem at times. It’s just that I find it easier and more necessary for my mental health to write about the less shiny stuff. It feels weird to write a 2-line post that says, “Today was fantastic and I love my life. Just thought you might want to know.”

      It’s getting the balance between happy, sad, funny, serious that’s hard sometimes. I say write how you feel and don’t worry about it. This is your little Internet home and no one else’s, so be free in it.

    • Even when I’m happy my posts can sound a bit down, but they aren’t really reflective of who I am. I just find it easier to write the crummy stuff. More interesting than today is good like you said Azara.

      I kind of feel like unless it’s something amazingly good or funny, happy posts of a regular day can get kind of dull.

      Thanks both of you – I feel less bad about posting something unhappy.

  5. I love that song! But, sorry you are feeling that way. I hope you get your happy back soon.

  6. Sending lots of hugs your way. I think the best part about writing is that it allows us to yank out and examine whatever it is that makes us feel how we are feeling. Hope you find your happy soon.

  7. Kathleen says:

    Love Aimee Mann and that song. I’m sorry you’re having a rough time, Michelle. I hope it helped to write it out. Big hugs!

  8. Gina says:

    You can only write what you feel or write it well. Hugs to you and I can’t wait for that post signaling your spirits have lifted. The holidays do not bring out the best in me.

    • The holidays are tough for me too. They make me melancholy, plus it’s a really busy time at work so it’s a recipe for disaster. Doing better now, hoping to get that post written soon :)

  9. IASoupMama says:

    As one who is on a downswing now myself, I so understand this. But I just can’t put it into my blog right now because if it’s there, it’s real and I can’t ignore it anymore. And I’m happy in denial at the moment.

    So I write goofy crap instead. Like my own eulogy. Why not?

    • I denied it for a while. I hoped the fiction piece would keep me going with writing without starting to wallow, but it didn’t. I know what you mean though. I try to fake it till I make it until I can’t fake it anymore!

      Hope you’re back up soon too.

  10. I do that with music too. Jeff Buckley has a song that literally sounds like a funeral procession at the beginning. “Lover, You Should Have Come Over” I’ve been that way since high school, “torturing” myself when I’m down. The thing that changed all of that was having kids. I can’t afford to be down and depressed and hard on myself. I’ve learned that I have to let things go. But sometimes it is nice to let myself feel that way I feel, just for a bit. It helps. Hugs to you, sister!

    • Jeff Buckley can rip your heart out.

      I have to condense my wallowing now that I have a kid (and I don’t think they appreciate it at work either!) which I think makes it harder. I can’t emote when the mood strikes, you know? It does help to feel what needs to be felt.

  11. Christie says:

    I don’t need you to be upbeat when you’re not or anything at all. I love you and your writing exactly as it is. Downloading that song now.

  12. Bill Dameron says:

    I agree with Kathleen, write it out, write all of your feelings. You don’t have to post it, but it might be cathartic. The only time I can’t write? When I have had three glasses of wine….And then, I really should not write, because I tend to post stuff to Facebook and Twitter and when you are tipsy? You should not post stuff on the Internet…

    • Yeah, drunken internet writing can be kind of dangerous, right? Of course, when I did drink and write on paper, I couldn’t read it, so it was sort of a waste :)

      thanks for the encouragement!

  13. I’ve always heard that you should listen to music that matches your mood, that it’s even more depressing to listen to upbeat music when you’re feeling sad. Who knows! I hope you have a great weekend, however, and leave some of those not-good-enough feelings behind you.

  14. Oh man I hear you! But you were over to my blog today so you know I’m feeling a little depressed too! I sure hope you start to feel better soon! And please know that I really appreciated how you tried to cheer me up. For someone who feels as cruddy as I do, I know that it takes quite a bit to do so. You are a great person. Don’t doubt it.

    • Aw, thanks :) You did sound so down. I got you completely though, I knew where you were coming from. While that wasn’t the specific topic that got me down, I’m definitely suffering from something so big it’s overwhelming. But when it’s broken down to the day to day or at least more manageable timeframes, it doesn’t seem as bad. It’s taking that step back out of it that is so hard to do. Hope you’re feeling better soon too. Thanks for your kind comment!

  15. Oh Michelle! I hope you are back to blinding awesomeness soon! *hugs*

  16. Lance says:

    aimee mann is even better live. I’ve seen her twice. she’s good on the twitter, too.

    as always, Michelle, i loved your voice, here.

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