Orange Is The New Identity Theft.

Orange Is The New Identity Theft.

It looks like I’m going to have to go shopping for new clothes in the very near future. I decided to revive this old post about one of the last times I had to visit a retail establishment to procure appropriate clothing. Shopping is a very dangerous affair, you guys.

This was originally posted on December 24, 2013.


As someone who is simultaneously lazy, fat, and cheap, my clothes simply must last. I hate shopping. All that walking around, trying stuff on, it’s too much. I don’t like paying money for new clothing in a size I don’t want to be. I need my clothes to just hang on indefinitely until I’m either wealthy, well-rested, and/or thin, preferably all three.

My unwillingness to shop has resulted in me owning only three pairs of jeans. Since I work from home, these jeans are all I wear. Well, except for the one pair that doesn’t actually fit. I don’t wear those. One pair was purchased in 2010 and I have worn them about four times a week since. The other pair is relatively new, purchased in May after my other jeans purchased in 2010 got a huge split from excessive wear and girth.

The seams of the old pair had been threatening to give way for some time and recently I decided that it was time these jeans caught a break. At least I had the pair from May to wear. I could wear those into the ground and go easier on my dying pair. Maybe I could even lose a little weight and fit into the inappropriately named skinny jeans that have taken up permanent residence in the drawer of ill-fitting clothing. It seemed like I dodged a bullet. I was not going to have to walk around bottomless OR go shopping. Everything was fine for a mere twenty four hours when my plans came crashing down.

I had to run a load of laundry so my kid would have a uniform shirt to wear to school the next day. I grabbed all the clothes that required laundering and I threw them in the washer, then transferred them later to the dryer. When the cycle was done and I opened the dryer door, I saw an empty, but still intact, crayon wrapper. I frantically examined each article of clothing, feeling relief that most of the orange smudges I found were in hidden places or clothes we don’t wear outside.

But my good jeans were not so lucky. It would appear the jeans scooped up that crayon in one leg and saved the rest of the load. My only decent pair of pants – the only ones that fit, the only ones without a giant crotch tear – had martyred themselves for the sake of the child’s wardrobe and my husband’s boxers.

After several days spiraling through the five stages of grief, I was in a place where something could be done. I attempted to Goo Gone the crayon, but the goo did not go. I Oxi-Cleaned the pants, but the stain was still there.

I had no choice but to enter a Target on a Sunday afternoon, ten days before Christmas, to buy new pants. I psyched myself up, got new not-on-sale pants and went home relatively pleased that only one person gave me the finger in the parking lot.

This story would have had a happy ending if news didn’t break a short time later that Target had a massive data breach. 40 million credit and debit card numbers may have been compromised over a 19-day period and my card became one of them around 4 p.m. on the 19th day.

These pants are nice and all, but they may turn out to be the most expensive pair I’ve ever purchased.

 

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37 Responses to “Orange Is The New Identity Theft.”

  1. Kristin says:

    You pain and potential financial ruin is my joy. This is excellently told.

    And I am right there with you – two jeans and a loathing towards shopping.

    • michellelongo says:

      I still have to try to patch the ripped pants or get the stain out of the crayoned ones or lose five pounds so I can zip the others. All this work just to get back to two pair!!

  2. Kristin says:

    Damn! Your! Your pain! Serves me right for reveling in it.

  3. Ken says:

    There’s nothing worse than having to say good-bye to a favourite pair of jeans. Other than credit card fraud of course. I say toss them back through the wash with the rest of the crayons and start a brand new trend in coloured jeans for the new year?

  4. mamarific says:

    I have identified ill-fitting jeans as the source of most of my problems. I don’t love that this happened to your best pair, but I do love the story you told.

  5. Jeans that don’t fit are the easiest way to ruin a day. I am so, so sorry you are caught up in the Target credit card scam. Hoping for lots and lots of good luck to come your way!

    • michellelongo says:

      So far so good, but trying to monitor stuff is just another PITA task that I didn’t need. If I had waited until the next day, or, I don’t know, not washed a crayon, I would have missed the whole window. So annoying!

  6. outlawmama says:

    Nooooo. I kept wondering if anyone I knew had their identity stolen. UGH. That sucks. I used my debit card there on Saturday and started getting frantic message from Chase. What a mess!

    • michellelongo says:

      So far I’m safe, but I’m so nervous now. I really didn’t want to have to stay on top of my credit stuff with such intensity at this particular moment. I can’t believe we weren’t in Target for that entire time period except for that ONE purchase at the very end. Ugh. Hope you were safe even though you’d been there!

  7. Oh man. I am one crayon away from never having to wear pants again? WHY WAS I NOT INFORMED? :)

  8. kimpugliano says:

    I just want to wear sweats. I don’t have any so I wear pajamas all day since I work from home but if I go somewhere and have to actually get out of the car…my jeans have all shrunk.

  9. Just before we moved, I parted company with a pair of jeans I had owned since the early 2000s. I hate shopping, too.
    Love the way you put this story together. I hope your identity is safe. Makes me glad that there are no Targets convenient to me.

    • I guess card numbers being stolen could happen anywhere, but this one really made me mad since we came so close to missing the whole window. It really does make me consider going to cash for most purchases though.

  10. jenbrunett says:

    You got me beat. I only own ONE pair of jeans. I can never find any that fit right.

  11. Oh no! Hopefully you’ll be lucky with the whole identity theft issue. So far so good on my own Target card. I was so reluctant to get one for so long for this exact reason. Two months after I cave (to save 5% on all the Christmas gifts I knew I’d be buying), this happens. Do you ever want to tell yourself “I told you so”?

    • I was thinking of getting the Target card for the savings, but I felt like it would just bring me to the store more often (obviously their point!). We go there for household stuff and a few items we can’t get elsewhere, but I don’t grocery shop there because the prices aren’t as good as my other store. I’d be furious if I were you! Hope your card is sfae!!

  12. wcdameron says:

    Aw Michelle I am so sorry. I hope that all the illegal charges are reversed. But here is the thing. I have seen a picture of you recently and you are none of the things you physically describe yourself as. Get out there and buy more clothes. You deserve it.

    • Thankfully no illegal charges (yet). But since I have the worst luck, I’m just waiting for the other shoe to drop, frantically checking my card. My husband is always telling me to buy new stuff. I keep saying I’ll get around to it. Maybe in the spring :)

  13. Talk about Murphy’s Law! Hope you’re safe from the card scam. And, I liked someone’s idea of changing the entire colour to orange! Would really make you stand out in the crowd :)

  14. Oh, the jeans. The jeans.
    and Target.

    …but still — and moreso: the jeans.

    Been there. Am there. Oy.

  15. ranu802 says:

    It’s terrible, first your good jeans are smudged with crayon.Next credit card is compromised..Bad luck comes in three though. I hope everything is fine.

    • There’s always so much nonsense going on that I’ve lost track of where I am in each cycle of three. Maybe that was the third thing and everything will be perfect from here on out. Haha!

  16. Stacie says:

    I’m watching for charges right along with you. Because the ONE TIME I went to Target and forgot my Target card was within that time period. GAH! Glad you found pants you like and I hope they just turn out to be regularly priced.

  17. Watch out for Crayon’s evil biotch cousin–Chapstick! Ellen

  18. ivegotbigbulls says:

    I loved how you wrote this and how you got to the Target data breach at the end. (My card number just got swiped last week by a unethical target employee. Yea Target.

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