Remembering Again.

I originally wrote this post on November 20, 2010.  I’m linking up with Alison and Ado‘s First Blogoversary Blog Bash.  We were invited to share our favorite post.  It was hard to pick a favorite, but I like this one because it sticks with me.  It was the first time I really tried to talk about something difficult to share.  Given the topic, I don’t know if favorite is the right word.  But I’d definitely go with special.

Happy Blogoversary Alison and Ado and thanks for letting me share in it with you!
This week is a tough one for me.

Part 1: Wednesday was my mother’s birthday, her first since she passed away. In a way I used to dread her birthday because it meant trying to go see her not on my terms. Visiting my mother wasn’t easy. Nursing homes and 3 year olds are not a good mix. When Nathan was really little, it was ok because he could stay in his carrier or I’d hold him, or we could sit him on my mother’s bed. But once he started moving it was much more difficult.

The drive to see her was an hour each way. If I didn’t time it right, I’d sit in terrible traffic. If Nathan fell asleep, it would screw up his bed time. If he didn’t, I’d endure complaining about the drive. Either way it was not the most pleasant. But I recognized how important it was to go see her, and for her to see Nathan, particularly on her birthday. But it wasn’t my terms. I had to go THAT week, THAT day. And if I didn’t for a good reason (one of us was sick, or she was) then I felt terrible guilt. Talking on the phone to her was not easy either. Either she couldn’t get the call because her phone wasn’t working or it was on speaker and her busy-body roommate would jump in or eavesdrop (if you can call it that when a phone is on speaker). If I left a message, I never knew if she got it until the next time I talked to her, so enter the feeling of “should I be feeling guilty because she thinks I didn’t call her.”

But this year, I didn’t have the guilt, I didn’t have to plan a visit (which is good, because Nathan and I both have colds I wouldn’t want her to catch and therefore I’d feel guilty). I didn’t have to try to call and listen to her stupid roommate. I didn’t have to try to think of something to get her and then have her tell me that it wasn’t right for whatever reason. I didn’t have to listen to Nathan complain because he didn’t even know. I’m not sure any of this is any consolation since she’s gone. And I miss her.

Part 2: Today marks 4 years since my grandfather passed away. While he and I were talking in the months before he passed, the few years before that we were not. It’s a very long story why, not worth rehashing here, but suffice to say I regret that time. I would love to say if I had it to do over I’d do it differently, but I know me and I know him and we were both too stubborn to have it any other way until I found out he had cancer.

And it’s not lost on me that calling him for the first time in years because I found out he was sick is really cliche and lame. But it’s what happened. I was pregnant at the time he passed, due in 8 weeks. It was evident he’d never meet his first great-grandson. This saddened me deeply and still does.

I think he would love Nathan and get such a kick out of him. I also think that when Nathan was acting up, he’d tell me how fresh he is (he’d be right) and how he is just like I was. And he’d say that in a disapproving way, just like my mother did. Then I would get mad, he wouldn’t know why and we’d be arguing. But I’m not sure avoiding all that is any consolation now that he’s gone. And I miss him.

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12 Responses to “Remembering Again.”

  1. Jessica says:

    Great post. I think of my Grandpa often and how much I think he’d adore my husband and kids. He’s been gone over ten years and I still pick up the phone to call him.

  2. Thanks for linking this up Michelle.

    Losing someone we love is hard. I lost my grandmother 10 years ago and I still miss her. I know she would have loved my son, and to know he’ll never meet the person who was so prominent in my childhood, hurts.

    • Thanks for having me!

      My grandparents were like parents to me and without them I don’t know what I would have done. That neither of them lived to see my son is crushing.

  3. Ado says:

    MIchelle – thanks so much for choosing this post to link up with us and celebrate.
    The whole experience you had with your mom in the nursing home sounds so very hard. I know it’s the one year anniversary of her passing – someone in another blog mentioned that although the 1 year is hard after a death – it also means that first hard year of firsts without them is over too. I felt a lot of sadness and guilt when my parents were alive – then when they died (also around pregnancy) – a huge relief, too. I don’t feel guilty about it anymore but for a while I sure did. Good luck with the healing process – give yourself time…

  4. Tere says:

    Thank you for visiting my blog and my coffee rant at

    Yeah, if it’s broke when you leave late… chances are… it won’t be fixed when you get in early!

  5. Jade says:

    Wow. Difficult emotions. They say regret is the most pointless feeling but that doesn’t make it not real – and it can be so all-consuming.
    I love that your grandfather would call someone fresh 😉

    • I try not to regret and to understand decisions made at certain times were the best with the information I had at the time. But…
      Yeah, fresh was a word my family always used and now I say it to my son and he says to the dog!
      Thanks for reading!

  6. Shalini says:

    My father-in-law passed away before our kids were born and it is SO TOUGH. They don’t even understand who he is, and it’s a little heartbreaking. I’m so sorry.

    • Thank you, and I’m sorry for your loss as well. My son only knows my husband’s grandmother, all of the other grandparents passed away before he was born. He understands we used to have them, but he doesn’t always put it all together. I hope someday he’ll understand better through pictures and stories.
      Thanks for stopping by.

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