Spreading Bug.

Spreading Bug.

After the recent discovery that it had snowed in my attic, it became abundantly clear that we were going to have to do some work to further protect our house from weather. And by “do some work,” I hope it is abundantly clear that I mean I had to call someone about coming to do some work.

I know, you’re wondering how I can be all nonchalant about attic snow, but it’s the second time this has happened, and much like I hear about second children, you just tend to get more laid back about this sort of thing. Really, it’s no big deal. There’s apparently some issue with a shingle and the dormer and the whosy-what’s-it and I think the contractor said he has to make the roof bigger. I should probably ask him to clarify.

Today was finally warm enough for me to get into the attic and start moving stuff around in preparation for the work to be done. I sorted and discarded and stacked and photographed items for sale and did all the things one does when trying to empty an entire floor of one’s house. I did all this while trying to ignore the fresh unearthing of a hole through which I could actually see to the outside world that was not, in fact, a window. And whilst I was up in the attic, rearranging all of the things we obviously don’t need or they wouldn’t be up there in the first place, I saw a dead bee. And a dead fly. And another fly, a spider, a ladybug, some unidentifiable shell of a creature, and another fly, all dead. Near them, I saw some of their friends, who were also, as you might imagine, dead.

Now, I’m not the sort of girl to freak out over a bug in my house. I don’t imagine we are any more or less buggy than anyone else. Bugs happen and, though I’d prefer they happen less frequently, I tend to try to ignore them. But today,when I discovered no less than one zillion dead bugs, I got a little skeeved. I swept them up, shuddered a bit and entered into a period of denial. By dinnertime, I even forgot about them.

As I was getting Nathan ready for bed, I noticed something on his floor. Thinking it was lint, or one of the many crumbs that seem to form a trail behind him, I bent to pick it up. It was neither lint nor crumb. It was, instead, the exo-skeletal remains of yet another insect.

I am no fool, you see. I know how this happened. I was still wearing the clothes I had been wearing in the attic. In other words, I had bug on me all afternoon. It was me. I was spreading bug.

My clothes are currently boiling in bleach. I am disgusted and revolted. I might need to burn down my house. Every single part of my body is itchy. I’m going to take a shower and then, when I’m done, I’m going to take another.

Next time I go in my attic, I’m bringing my switchblade. If I see another of those little jerks, dead or alive, I’m going to cut it. Then I’m going to douse it with superfluous pepper spray. Then I’m going to step on it, and then I’m going to spit on it, just so it knows how I really feel.

And then I’m probably going to get that hole patched up.

 

Joining in the fun with my friends at yeah write. Do you like to have fun? You should join in, too.

45 Responses to “Spreading Bug.”

  1. Stacie says:

    Haha, loved it! I hate bugs so much.

  2. wcdameron says:

    Hilarious. You know when Augusten Burroughs cut a hole in the kitchen ceiling his shrink said it provided a sense of whimsy to the kitchen. You could always look at it that way…

  3. kp Attman says:

    When my husband’s job sent him to the Amazon jungle, I had that same fear – bugs!
    It turned out that where we were, bugs weren’t a problem. Whew.
    Now, living in the Andes Mountains was a whole different thing. Flying cockroaches, tarantulas in our living room, chirping things in our showers……

  4. outlawmama says:

    I hear you here. My van smells like rancid rat b/c there’s one decomposing somewhere in there. I am DYING. Good luck with everything. It’s so gross, right?

    • michellelongo says:

      Oh no! See that’s what I’m afraid of – it’s one thing if one gets in, but when a family takes up residence and then dies, that’s a problem! When I saw the dead bee I was worried there was a hive. We’d have to move and leave everything behind if there was a hive inside.

  5. Ick, ick. Girl, you NEED some superfluous pepper spray!

  6. kgwaite says:

    Ah, I’m certain we have bugs in the attic -squirrels as well – But at 120 to trap them – each? – I can live with squirrels until spring.

    • michellelongo says:

      We have had 3 sets of squirrels born in our detached garage. As soon as one family moved out, the next moved in. That’s another hole I have to repair.

  7. Genius hook. Spreading bug. <3

  8. As someone with her share of homeowner woes, I’m not sure whether to laugh or cry at the thought of the abundance of other things that could go wrong. I think the snowing in the attic would have put me straight over the edge. How did you discover it?

    • michellelongo says:

      After the blizzard of 2010, we checked the attic to make sure we had no leaks. Turns out there wasn’t a leak, but the high winds let some snow in. This last storm was similar, so we went up to look and sure enough there was snow in the same spot. We had patched it, but it didn’t take. We actually check the house after all storms for water since it’s so old. It’s exhausting. I want to go back to renting.

  9. I once read that insects are the Earth’s dominant life form.

  10. I think we can work on making this into “The Ballad of the Attic of Snow” or something. Great story. I’m loving the voice you’re cultivating in the last few months.

    • I love your voice in this, too. I feel like you’ve been sharing a different side with us lately.

      • michellelongo says:

        Thank you both. I have been trying to work on my lighter more humorous side in my writing. Trying to translate the way I talk and tell a story into an essay. It’s been fun to do and I’m glad you’re enjoying it!

  11. If you burned the house down because of the bugs, it would solve your roof problem too. Bonus.

  12. Don’t ever move to the South! Some winters we don’t even get a freeze and then we have double bugs the next summer.

    • michellelongo says:

      Good to know. We’ve had an oddly buggy year because of the warm days we’ve had between the cold. New friends are born, then they die quickly. I wonder what that will do to the springtime rush.

  13. Hi! I’m new around here and just joining in for the first time. I loved this, although it gave me the creepy-crawlies. That’s one thing I love about living here in Germany, aside from bees and spiders, the bugs are pretty minimal.

  14. Swoosieque says:

    When we lived in Arizona, I was introduced to some new, venomous creepy-crawlies like millipedes, scorpions and killer bees, all of which I met up close and personal. For me, the bigger the shoe to stomp on them, the better! 😀

  15. Christina says:

    oh Christ. :) I have to say, this made me think of my 4 year old, who just last night, shrieked so loud and jumped so high because “there’s a bug!!” I was sure it was one of those farking speedy hairy gazillion leg things and I was trying so hard to remain calm in case it was because if it was i’d have to freaking NOT freak out the way she was because i’m SUPERMOM… i couldn’t see anything. i asked her what it was, how big… she said it was big and made it seem like an inch or so and “its legs are on its face!” oh god i was sure sure it was one of those long freaky fast hairy things with a gazillion legs… “there it is!!” she shouted and pointed to something that was the size of a friggin point on a flipping FINE POINT pen.

    • My son overreacts to bugs, too. I’m pretty used to the centipedes. As long as the bugs aren’t on me, I can deal.

      There was a centipede in my coffee pot once. That was not cool.

  16. I’m become a quivering mass of terror in the face of small garden spiders. And I am otherwise perfectly normal. Well, not normal but … Well, okay not even close to normal. But I really am terrified of bugs too. That’s normal, right?

  17. Joe Owens says:

    My daughter (16) goes ape when she sees any kind of creepy crawly in her room. Usually my son or I have to come to the rescue.

  18. Oh man. Be happy you weren’t wearing PJs. Then you’d have to burn your bed, too.

  19. Karen says:

    I.hate.bugs. I know it’s weird, but those would upset me more than snow in the attic.

    • Snow can’t kill you. Well, I mean it can, but it likely won’t in this instance. Dead bees, however, can come back to life, summon their ghost-bee friends and then I’m doomed. I totally understand.

  20. Linda Roy says:

    We have stink bugs. So, so many stink bugs. They are evil and I keep finding them everywhere. They drop from the ceiling onto me when I’m in bed. Ack!

  21. Tina says:

    I am not cool with living bugs in my house, mostly because of the scorpions. We pay someone to come and spray the outside of the house every month just for those pesky guys. But I sure do understand the heebie-jeebies just thinking that there might be a bug!

    • They have all of nature to live in. They do not need to come inside.

      We used to have our old house sprayed for bees and wasps. First sign that maybe we have a nest and I call the exterminator though. (My exterminator and I are tight. Shout out to Robert!!)

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