Spreading Bug.

After the recent discovery that it had snowed in my attic, it became abundantly clear that we were going to have to do some work to further protect our house from weather. And by “do some work,” I hope it is abundantly clear that I mean I had to call someone about coming to do some work.

I know, you’re wondering how I can be all nonchalant about attic snow, but it’s the second time this has happened, and much like I hear about second children, you just tend to get more laid back about this sort of thing. Really, it’s no big deal. There’s apparently some issue with a shingle and the dormer and the whosy-what’s-it and I think the contractor said he has to make the roof bigger. I should probably ask him to clarify.

Today was finally warm enough for me to get into the attic and start moving stuff around in preparation for the work to be done. I sorted and discarded and stacked and photographed items for sale and did all the things one does when trying to empty an entire floor of one’s house. I did all this while trying to ignore the fresh unearthing of a hole through which I could actually see to the outside world that was not, in fact, a window. And whilst I was up in the attic, rearranging all of the things we obviously don’t need or they wouldn’t be up there in the first place, I saw a dead bee. And a dead fly. And another fly, a spider, a ladybug, some unidentifiable shell of a creature, and another fly, all dead. Near them, I saw some of their friends, who were also, as you might imagine, dead.

Now, I’m not the sort of girl to freak out over a bug in my house. I don’t imagine we are any more or less buggy than anyone else. Bugs happen and, though I’d prefer they happen less frequently, I tend to try to ignore them. But today,when I discovered no less than one zillion dead bugs, I got a little skeeved. I swept them up, shuddered a bit and entered into a period of denial. By dinnertime, I even forgot about them.

As I was getting Nathan ready for bed, I noticed something on his floor. Thinking it was lint, or one of the many crumbs that seem to form a trail behind him, I bent to pick it up. It was neither lint nor crumb. It was, instead, the exo-skeletal remains of yet another insect.

I am no fool, you see. I know how this happened. I was still wearing the clothes I had been wearing in the attic. In other words, I had bug on me all afternoon. It was me. I was spreading bug.

My clothes are currently boiling in bleach. I am disgusted and revolted. I might need to burn down my house. Every single part of my body is itchy. I’m going to take a shower and then, when I’m done, I’m going to take another.

Next time I go in my attic, I’m bringing my switchblade. If I see another of those little jerks, dead or alive, I’m going to cut it. Then I’m going to douse it with superfluous pepper spray. Then I’m going to step on it, and then I’m going to spit on it, just so it knows how I really feel.

And then I’m probably going to get that hole patched up.

 

Joining in the fun with my friends at yeah write. Do you like to have fun? You should join in, too.

45 thoughts on “Spreading Bug.

  1. wcdameron

    Hilarious. You know when Augusten Burroughs cut a hole in the kitchen ceiling his shrink said it provided a sense of whimsy to the kitchen. You could always look at it that way…

  2. kp Attman

    When my husband’s job sent him to the Amazon jungle, I had that same fear – bugs!
    It turned out that where we were, bugs weren’t a problem. Whew.
    Now, living in the Andes Mountains was a whole different thing. Flying cockroaches, tarantulas in our living room, chirping things in our showers……

    1. michellelongo Post author

      I’m good with your garden variety (read: small) spiders. Tarantulas? No. No no.

  3. outlawmama

    I hear you here. My van smells like rancid rat b/c there’s one decomposing somewhere in there. I am DYING. Good luck with everything. It’s so gross, right?

    1. michellelongo Post author

      Oh no! See that’s what I’m afraid of – it’s one thing if one gets in, but when a family takes up residence and then dies, that’s a problem! When I saw the dead bee I was worried there was a hive. We’d have to move and leave everything behind if there was a hive inside.

    1. michellelongo Post author

      Right? I think I’m going to get myself a fun holster so I have some easily accessible at all times.

  4. kgwaite

    Ah, I’m certain we have bugs in the attic -squirrels as well – But at 120 to trap them – each? – I can live with squirrels until spring.

    1. michellelongo Post author

      We have had 3 sets of squirrels born in our detached garage. As soon as one family moved out, the next moved in. That’s another hole I have to repair.

  5. Samantha Brinn Merel

    As someone with her share of homeowner woes, I’m not sure whether to laugh or cry at the thought of the abundance of other things that could go wrong. I think the snowing in the attic would have put me straight over the edge. How did you discover it?

    1. michellelongo Post author

      After the blizzard of 2010, we checked the attic to make sure we had no leaks. Turns out there wasn’t a leak, but the high winds let some snow in. This last storm was similar, so we went up to look and sure enough there was snow in the same spot. We had patched it, but it didn’t take. We actually check the house after all storms for water since it’s so old. It’s exhausting. I want to go back to renting.

      1. michellelongo Post author

        Thank you both. I have been trying to work on my lighter more humorous side in my writing. Trying to translate the way I talk and tell a story into an essay. It’s been fun to do and I’m glad you’re enjoying it!

    1. michellelongo Post author

      Yes, burning the house down does seem to be the best solution to most of my problems. Where are the matches?

    1. michellelongo Post author

      Good to know. We’ve had an oddly buggy year because of the warm days we’ve had between the cold. New friends are born, then they die quickly. I wonder what that will do to the springtime rush.

  6. My Muted Voice

    Hi! I’m new around here and just joining in for the first time. I loved this, although it gave me the creepy-crawlies. That’s one thing I love about living here in Germany, aside from bees and spiders, the bugs are pretty minimal.

  7. Swoosieque

    When we lived in Arizona, I was introduced to some new, venomous creepy-crawlies like millipedes, scorpions and killer bees, all of which I met up close and personal. For me, the bigger the shoe to stomp on them, the better! πŸ˜€

  8. Christina

    oh Christ. πŸ™‚ I have to say, this made me think of my 4 year old, who just last night, shrieked so loud and jumped so high because “there’s a bug!!” I was sure it was one of those farking speedy hairy gazillion leg things and I was trying so hard to remain calm in case it was because if it was i’d have to freaking NOT freak out the way she was because i’m SUPERMOM… i couldn’t see anything. i asked her what it was, how big… she said it was big and made it seem like an inch or so and “its legs are on its face!” oh god i was sure sure it was one of those long freaky fast hairy things with a gazillion legs… “there it is!!” she shouted and pointed to something that was the size of a friggin point on a flipping FINE POINT pen.

    1. Michelle Longo

      My son overreacts to bugs, too. I’m pretty used to the centipedes. As long as the bugs aren’t on me, I can deal.

      There was a centipede in my coffee pot once. That was not cool.

  9. Marilyn Armstrong

    I’m become a quivering mass of terror in the face of small garden spiders. And I am otherwise perfectly normal. Well, not normal but … Well, okay not even close to normal. But I really am terrified of bugs too. That’s normal, right?

    1. Michelle Longo

      Snow can’t kill you. Well, I mean it can, but it likely won’t in this instance. Dead bees, however, can come back to life, summon their ghost-bee friends and then I’m doomed. I totally understand.

  10. Linda Roy

    We have stink bugs. So, so many stink bugs. They are evil and I keep finding them everywhere. They drop from the ceiling onto me when I’m in bed. Ack!

      1. Michelle Longo

        Thankfully, we don’t have too many stink bugs here, but many of my friends not too far away have tons. Fingers crossed that they don’t move into this house too.

  11. Tina

    I am not cool with living bugs in my house, mostly because of the scorpions. We pay someone to come and spray the outside of the house every month just for those pesky guys. But I sure do understand the heebie-jeebies just thinking that there might be a bug!

    1. Michelle Longo

      They have all of nature to live in. They do not need to come inside.

      We used to have our old house sprayed for bees and wasps. First sign that maybe we have a nest and I call the exterminator though. (My exterminator and I are tight. Shout out to Robert!!)

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