What do I want?
That’s a really loaded question and I guess I probably should tell you right off the bat that I’m not sure.
Sometimes when I’m watching a movie or at a concert or event, I think about how I will feel about it when it’s over. Then I can’t wait for it to BE over so I can know what I thought.
Wait. Let me clarify: I want to know what I WILL think about it while I’m watching it and forming that eventual opinion.
That doesn’t make any sense really, but I hope you can at least get the literal meaning, even if you don’t understand why in the world someone would do this (I don’t even know why I do this).
So in response to the question of what do I want, I often start thinking about what I’ll think when it’s all over. In the last moment of life, what will I think of my life? Why in the world am I thinking this way?
Maybe it stems from wanting to do everything right. As I lay dying, I can run down a bullet point list of everything I was supposed to do and check off, one by one, all I did, tally it all up and score myself on a 100 point scale. Did I parent right? Check! Did I publish my book? Check!
(or not check, I don’t want to seem too sure of myself here.)
I guess if I knew what I wanted, I could get there with at least a little more ease. At 37, aren’t I supposed to have a direction? More to the point, I think I have too many directions. How do you walk 4 ways at once? You don’t. You just stand there.
I spend so much time doing stuff. Is this what people do? Do they just DO STUFF and then sleep and then do more stuff? Maybe my goals are too high. Maybe I have the same life everyone else has and I’m the only one wondering if it’s the right thing.
There was a time I wanted to be a poet and a philosopher. It occurred to me that these were highly impractical career choices. I sometimes think it would be better to have been born in ancient times when those were Things People Were. Can you imagine? All I have to do today is think. That’s it. But I suspect even the great thinkers had other stuff to do. Maybe not.
Maybe blogging and writing is modern day philosophizing. Maybe I am what I always wanted to be, I just don’t always let myself just be.