What Do I Want?

What do I want?

That’s a really loaded question and I guess I probably should tell you right off the bat that I’m not sure.

Sometimes when I’m watching a movie or at a concert or event, I think about how I will feel about it when it’s over.  Then I can’t wait for it to BE over so I can know what I thought.

Wait.  Let me clarify:  I want to know what I WILL think about it while I’m watching it and forming that eventual opinion.

That doesn’t make any sense really, but I hope you can at least get the literal meaning, even if you don’t understand why in the world someone would do this (I don’t even know why I do this).

So in response to the question of what do I want, I often start thinking about what I’ll think when it’s all over.  In the last moment of life, what will I think of my life?  Why in the world am I thinking this way?

Maybe it stems from wanting to do everything right.  As I lay dying, I can run down a bullet point list of everything I was supposed to do and check off, one by one, all I did, tally it all up and score myself on a 100 point scale.  Did I parent right? Check! Did I publish my book? Check!

(or not check, I don’t want to seem too sure of myself here.)

I guess if I knew what I wanted, I could get there with at least a little more ease.  At 37, aren’t I supposed to have a direction?  More to the point, I think I have too many directions.  How do you walk 4 ways at once?  You don’t.  You just stand there.

I spend so much time doing stuff. Is this what people do?  Do they just DO STUFF and then sleep and then do more stuff? Maybe my goals are too high.  Maybe I have the same life everyone else has and I’m the only one wondering if it’s the right thing.

There was a time I wanted to be a poet and a philosopher. It occurred to me that these were highly impractical career choices.  I sometimes think it would be better to have been born in ancient times when those were Things People Were. Can you imagine? All I have to do today is think.  That’s it.  But I suspect even the great thinkers had other stuff to do.  Maybe not.

Maybe blogging and writing is modern day philosophizing.  Maybe I am what I always wanted to be, I just don’t always let myself just be.


This is my first SOC Sunday link up Jana’s Thinking Place.
This is my 5 minute, unedited brain dump.

16 Responses to “What Do I Want?”

  1. Your final sentence is absolutely spot on. Yes, yes, yes!! That’s it! Eureka! (and so often freewriting brings us right there!)

    I am so glad to meet you via SOCSunday. I haven’t “been” in a while so I feel especially grateful to make it for your very first time. Your children are blessed to have you as their Mommy as your husband is to have you as his wife. It sounds like your heart is in the exact right place, remembering the most important is to love and to be love with them as much as you can. Maybe we should all add that to our “to do” list? :~)

    Hugs!

    • Thank you for such a sweet comment and for stopping by. These thoughts have been on my mind lately as I feel like I’m spinning wheels. It seems like I’m not alone in these thoughts though.

  2. It’s what I do. Stuff, stuff, stuff. Ugh. I don’t know how to be more purposeful.

    • And see, I would say you are purposeful. You’ve got two beautiful children you are working so hard to do right by, you write so often. You’re a great blogger, I’m sure your novel is great (even if it’s not done). Maybe others see us differently than we see ourselves.

  3. Denise says:

    I understand so much. I think of how I will look back and will I have done everything right and then I just go, go, go and never just let myself be. You nailed what a lot of us feel I think.

    • I need to learn to just be. I don’t know how to do that (and knowing me I’ll stress myself out trying to figure it out), but I really do want to slow down, or reflect more, or… something. I haven’t quite figured it out yet!

      Thanks so much for stopping by!

  4. Rachee says:

    This week’s free-writing is making me think we are all so connected! I love your post; what is it that we want and need and want (yes I realize I wrote want twice). When I am all zen and such I try to make every moment count but there are days when I just feel lucky to get through. That you are inviting me to think about this through your writing is just, the bomb. I am going to hug my people extra this week.

    • Yes, want should be there twice. I totally get that. I think maybe I’ve had too many “just get through days” in a row and maybe I need a little more zen. Life feels out of balance.

      Thank you for stopping by and commenting!

  5. I loved the question and your answer: “How do you walk 4 ways at once? You don’t. You just stand there.”

    I majored in Philosophy…and I’m really hoping you’re last line is right. Maybe you are a modern Socrates. (Although you love your family, and probably wouldn’t choose the hemlock cocktail over family time.)

    Feeling stuck is difficult, especially when the summer is fading. I’m really glad you’re writing about it! Your thoughts are a comfort to others.

  6. Writing and blogging is definitely modern-day philosophizing. Through blogging and writing you wish, and dream, and think, and wonder, and tell your truth. I think your words are philosophizing at its best.

  7. Stacie says:

    Wow, a 5 minute blog post? You write so well in 5 minutes. I’ve never done that. Maybe I need some SOC in my life. But it might be scary to read. I think all anyone thinks about when they die is family.

    • I practice write a lot in my head, so by the time I sit down at the computer, I’ve usually rehashed half the sentences a zillion times. It’s almost like I narrate my feelings and thoughts to myself after I have them. That probably sounds very weird :)

  8. I really love this, a lot. This paragraph: “At 37, aren’t I supposed to have a direction? More to the point, I think I have too many directions. How do you walk 4 ways at once? You don’t. You just stand there.” THAT’S ME. COMPLETELY. I’ve been trying to make forward movement just this year, and it’s hard.
    And I want to be a traveling bard. I wish that was still a viable career option.

    • The paralysis kills me sometimes. Even when the clearest path is presented to me, I can’t find the forward movement – not that I know for sure why.
      A traveling bard sounds fantastic! I have no advice for making that happen, but I agree it should still be an option.

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