I was going to beat myself up over taking more than a month to post a new blog, but it’s better than letting 3+ years go by, so I’m going to call this a win. Also? I’m tired of beating myself up. Anyway, let’s get to the point. The question of what I want to do with my life keeps coming up. If I’m not happy doing what I’m presently doing, then what is it that want to do? What will make me happy?
I’ve been wrestling with these questions for quite some time. A few months back, at a particularly tough time career-wise, I was wondering why I always ended up at a point where I was so thoroughly unhappy. My husband suggested that maybe what I’ve been doing isn’t really what I want to be doing. It’s not like I didn’t know on some level that was true, it’s just when you’re so in the weeds in something, sometimes it’s hard to see what’s actually going on around you. But it makes a ton of sense, since I assure you I never woke up one day and was like, “Gee, I sure do hope I can end up in the insurance industry one day!” No, it was more like, “Gee, I graduate college soon and really need health insurance and money, so sure I’ll take this crappy job until I figure stuff out.”
That was in 1998. It’s been almost 25 years. My career has advanced since then. I’m not processing Flexible Spending Account claims anymore, and I transitioned over to marketing for insurance agencies rather than working in agencies. That’s something, I guess. Each move up was a logical step at the time, assuming I was going in the right direction. But was I? As it turns out, no.
But if I never wanted to be doing what I’m doing, what is it that I want to do? I was never going to get anywhere if I didn’t answer this. And I mean really answer it – like, say it out loud like I’m a six year old who believes anything is possible. So here goes:
I want to write. Full time.
I want to work on my memoir (yes, that’s still hanging around), my fiction project I started in 20…15 (maybe? I don’t even know), and the script I’m working on (that one’s new!). I want to write creatively about things that interest me. I want to write for ME.
Now, if that’s the goal, I need to figure out how to get there, right? I’ve grown accustomed to having a roof over my head and food to eat and taking care of my child, so it’s not like I can quit any of my jobs and just start writing full time. I’m going to need a plan.
I mentioned before how back in August I was making changes. One important change was putting my focus where I want to go. If all I do is think about how to get ahead in my current career and put all my spare time and energy into that, I won’t get to the real place I want to be and I’ll continue to be unhappy. It’s that simple. Not sure why it took me 25 years to figure that out. (I do actually know why, but that’s a whole rabbit hole I don’t have time for right now.)
So there you have it, goal #1: Full time writer. Now that I know where I want to be, it’s been easier to start putting a strategy in place. I’ve put in a lot of time trying to retrain my brain to see my goal as a priority over just about everything else. That’s a work in progress.
If there’s a goal #1, there must be a goal #2, right? There is. It’s my health. It’s not that my health is less important than the writing because it isn’t. In fact, it’s probably more important since if I don’t get my health on track and maintain it, I can forget about everything else. More about that another time though (soon, I promise).
For now, I’m just happy with myself that I put another post together, even if it’s imperfect. This is going to be an imperfect journey to living my best life anyway, so I’m OK with that.
With that, I’m off to go make shit happen, one very small baby step at at time.
Featured Image: Doing some research for a project I’m working on.